The Mystery of the Pocket Medic
by Eggpants The Abstract
Summary: While browsing a Mann Co. catalog, Heavy notices a suspicious item called the Pocket Medic. The RED team launch an investigation to find out who made them and why.


Once upon a time in the RED base, Heavy was browsing some Mann Co. catalogs to see if there were any cool hats on sale when he noticed a rather interesting cosmetic. It was simply called "Pocket Medic" and the picture showed what appeared to be a crudely sown together doll that vaguely resembled the Medic. There was no description other than "keep little healing man close." He noticed that it was equippable only by him and Soldier.

"Doktor!" he called.

"Ja?" responded Medic, poking his head through the doorway.

"What is 'Pocket Medic'?" he questioned.

"Pocket Medic? I don't know vat you're talking about, Herr Heavy."

The Russian showed Medic the picture. Neither of them were sure how to react.

"Soldier and I can equip it," Heavy explained. "No description other than 'keep little healing man close'."

They were interrupted by Soldier, who had just stormed through the door. "WHAT'S GOING ON? I HEARD MY NAME!"

"Oh, hello, Herr Soldier! Ve vere just discussing zis mysterious item called ze Pocket Medic."

"The wot mate?" asked Sniper, who had just walked in to see what his teammates were on about.

"Pocket Medic. Is new Mann Co. product." Heavy replied.

"Pocket Medic? Why would anyone make that? That's bloody ridiculous!" Sniper laughed.

"We do not know. Is what we were trying to find out."

"WELL, MEN, WHO'S READY TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF THE POCKET MEDIC!"

"Me!" shouted Heavy and Sniper enthusiastically. Medic wasn't quite so enthusiastic.

"Are you quite sure zis is vorth investigating?"

"DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS, PRIVATE! THAT IS AN ORDER!" Soldier yelled back. "NOW, LET'S GO GET THE REST OF THE TEAM!"

A few minutes later, the entire RED team had assembled in the meeting room.

"HERE ARE THE FACTS AS I UNDERSTAND THEM! THERE IS A NEW ITEM IN THE MANN CO. CATALOG CALLED THE POCKET MEDIC. THERE IS NO DESCRIPTION OTHER THAN 'KEEP LITTLE HEALING MAN CLOSE'. IT'S OUR JOB TO FIND OUT WHO WOULD MAKE SUCH A COSMETIC AND WHY. TO DO THIS, WE WILL SPLIT INTO THREE TEAMS." Soldier walked down he line. "SPY, SNIPER, AND PYRO WILL OBSERVE TO SEE IF THEY CAN SPOT ANY SUSPICIOUS BEHAVIOR. ENGIE, MEDIC, AND I WILL SEARCH OUR BASE FOR ANY SIGNS OF THE CULPRIT. SCOUT, HEAVY, AND DEMOMAN WILL INFILTRATE THE BLU BASE TO SEE IF THEY CAN FIND ANY CLUES. ANY QUESTIONS?"

Medic nervously raised a hand.

"YES, DOC?"

"Erm, are you SURE zis is a good id-"

He was met with a crushing "BOOOOOO!" from the other eight mercenaries.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT QUESTIONING ME? GIVE ME 40 PUSH-UPS!" Soldier interrupted.

Medic had no choice but to obey. Soldier grinned as the poor doctor did push-ups in front of the entire team.

"Don't ya think that's a little harsh, Soldier?" Engineer asked.

"NO, I DON'T! 40 PUSH-UPS FOR YOU, TOO!"

After Engineer and Medic were finished with their push-ups, Soldier handed out headsets and dismissed the team. When they broke up into their groups, Medic was sweating heavily, but everyone just assumed it was caused by the push-ups. "Ya really should get more exercise, doc. Forty push-ups ain't THAT bad," Engineer commented.

Medic chose to ignore his advice. "How about ve just get zis over vith, ja?"

"Ah don't see why you're so hesitant, doc. Ya ain't hidin' anything, are ya?" Medic shook his head, wide eyed.

"No, of course not! I just zhink zere are better vays of-"

"SHUT UP, MAGGOTS! I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY! LET'S GO!" Soldier interjected. Neither of them wanted to do any more push-ups, so they decided to listen. "WHOSE ROOM SHOULD WE SEARCH FIRST?"

"Vat about... Uh... Scout's?" Medic offered.

"GREAT IDEA, NURSE! THAT'S THE SPIRIT!" Soldier grinned. They would get to the bottom of this 'Pocket Medic', he knew it!"

The trio of mercenaries set off to invade their teammates' privacy happily (except for Medic, who was still sweating profusely). However, they couldn't find anything in Scout's room. This disheartened them a little, but Soldier and Engineer were determined. Next, they searched Soldier's room, but, as expected, there was nothing suspicious inside. Just as they were about to enter Demoman's room, Spy, Sniper, and Pyro came up to them.

"Soldier? Engineer? We would like to speak to you in private for a moment," Spy requested. "Medic can continue searching."

He pulled them aside, and when he was sure they were out of earshot of the Medic, he whispered, "Does his behavior seem a little suspicious to you?"

"Well, now that ya mention it, he has been actin' kinda funny," Engineer replied.

"He shouldn't _still_ be sweating. I think he's hiding something, mate," Sniper told them, making sure to keep his voice low.

"I KNEW IT! THAT FILTHY NAZI'S A BLU SPY!" Soldier exclaimed. He was quickly shushed by the everyone else.

"Not exactly, Soldier. He knows something about the Pocket Medic zat we don't. Keep an eye on him and search his room as soon as possible. We will let you know if we find anything else," Spy said. He beckoned for Pyro and Sniper to follow him and proceeded to leave the room. Engineer and Soldier heard a message come through their headsets.

"I've finished checking my room, and zere's nozhing out of ze ordinary,"

"PRIVATE MEDIC! I TOLD YOU TO CHECK DEMOMAN'S ROOM! WHEN I GET OVER THERE, YOU HAD BETTER BE DOING PUSH-UPS!"

They quickly headed over to Medic's room. Much to his dismay, the doctor was not there. "Uh, doc? Ya ain't in here..." Engineer spoke into the headset. There was no reply. "Come on, Medic, this ain't funny."

"PRIVATE MEDIC, YOU GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"

There was still no response.

"ARGH, THAT SON OF A CUSSING CUSS WORD! LET'S GO FIND HIM!"

The two started searching for him in the other rooms, but he was nowhere in sight. They were about to give up and look through his room anyway when they heard heavy breathing from underneath the bed in Pyro's room. Soldier got down on his knees and noticed a foot slightly sticking out. "AHA! WE GOT YOU NOW!"

They heard a familiar scream. Soldier grabbed the Medic's leg and dragged him out of the room. "WHAT WAS THAT? MAGGOT!"

Medic was red in the face. His clothes were so sweat-soaked you would've thought he'd been swimming in them and he was panting more heavily than a marathon runner. A look of profound fear and embarrassment was on his face.

"What's the matter with ya, doc? You look awful!" Engineer asked.

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM! HE'S A COWARD! HE'S PROBABLY HIDING SOMETHING IN THAT ROOM OF HIS!"

"NEIN! NO! DON'T DO IT, HERR SOLDIER!" Medic pleaded, despair in his eyes.

"Sorry, doc. But we gotta find answers," Engineer said sympathetically.

"NOOO!" the mad doctor screamed, but it was too late. Soldier dragged him into his room and started searching around. Engineer opened the closet, and much to Medic's dismay, a several Pocket Medics tumbled out. He called Soldier over, and they noticed a suspicious-looking staircase beside the heap of dolls. Before he could stop them, Engineer and Soldier walked down the staircase and dragged along the begging physician.

The stairway led to a secret underground workshop. At the center was a table, and all around it sat giant piles of fabric, wool, and spools of thread. Sitting beside the table was a crate of Pocket Medics, all ready to ship to Mann Co. Atop the table was a single unfinished doll.

"What's all this?" Engineer asked, staring dumbfounded at the room.

"AHA! WE'VE SOLVED IT! MEDIC IS THE ONE MAKING THESE DOLLS!" Soldier cried.

"LISTEN UP, MEN! WE'VE CRACKED THE CASE!" Soldier triumphantly announced into the headset. "EVERYONE REPORT TO MEDIC'S ROOM!" Within minutes, the entire RED team had made their way to Medic's room. "SEE THIS CLOSET? INSIDE IS A STAIRCASE THAT LEADS TO HIS SECRET WORKSHOP!"

The mercenaries were shocked. Of all the people who could have been making Pocket Medics, they had all least suspected the Medic himself! But why? What on earth would possess the mad scientist to make little plush versions of himself and sell them to Mann Co.?

"That's really weird, doc. Even for you," Scout commented. "Why?"

"NEE!" Medic shrieked ('nee' means 'nope' in German). Then, before anyone could ask any more questions, he grabbed a Pocket Medic and ran out of the room. The rest of the team tried to chase him, but not even Scout could catch up. He was never heard from again. However, some say he's hiding out somewhere, making more Pocket Medics and selling them to Mann Co. They can still be purchased in the Mann Co. store for $7.49 each.


End file.
